What Becomes a Donkey Most?

If there's one thing I've learned in my short experience as a poker player, it's that pre-game preparation is critical. By preparation, I don't just mean cashing out my IRA in 100s and scribbling poker odds on my hand. I may be a donkey, but I'm a woman first. My top priority is choosing an appropriate outfit.

My poker coach, Beast, offers little help in this area. While he might grudgingly acknowledge that attire can contribute to a desired table image, Beast's own fashion efforts are minimal. To project a little extra confidence at a big tournament, he might go so far as to wear a clean shirt. Of course, Beast's imposing physique gives him a head start in creating an intimidating table image. Aside from looming ominously over the table, all he really needs to do to scare the shit out of people is to forget to shave.

Naturally, you're probably thinking that it's more than a little dumb of me to expect fashion advice from a man -- let alone a Beast. (Did you notice the name of this blog?) I should obviously be seeking the advice of other women. To this end, maybe some well-known female poker players can provide appropriate inspiration.

Role Model #1: Jennifer Tilly

Tilly places a high value on distraction, which she achieves by exposing 90% of her boobs 100% of the time. This is a time-tested strategy that women of all ages exploit to big advantage in card rooms (and elsewhere). For example, I once saw an 80-something retiree use this approach to completely neutralize a table full of both men and women. (An unexpected plus of this strategy is that enviable boobs are not required -- inappropriately exposed, virtually any breasts will do. Probably even man-boobs would work.)

Although highly effective and obviously inexpensive to implement, I don't think this is the right approach for me. I may be gambling away the rent money in casinos, but I'm still a puritanical New Englander at heart. Furthermore, this is a strategy that can easily backfire. Remember how distracted Tilly was by her own cleavage on Celebrity Poker Showdown? I think that dress cost her the tournament!

Role Model #2: Annie Duke

In bare feet, army fatigues and dingy t-shirts, Annie Duke's image is the polar opposite of the hyper-feminine Tilly's -- and her strategy is much wilier. By dressing as much like her slovenly male opponents as possible, Duke can deploy her superior female intuition and smarts in a fully stealth mode.

While obviously ingenious, this approach isn't really for me. I’m already mistaken for a lesbian more often than I’d like. (If you are a lesbian reading this, please don't be angry with me. I think you're the coolest and wish I could run with your crowd. Unfortunately, the fates have doomed me to the permanent state of disillusionment, confusion and frustration known as heterosexuality. )

Speaking of the puzzle that is the opposite sex, I can't resist noting here that Beast finds Annie Duke super-attractive. An unshowered chick in dirty-looking man-garb is what does the trick for Beast, apparently. What's more, I know from reading various poker forums that he's not the only one. And to think that men say they find women confusing!

Role Model #3: Cyndy Harmon/Jennifer Violette.

Cute/sweet/perky/girl-next-door: these are not words typically used to describe Donkette. Moreover, I am not lucky enough to be married to a hot Italian hairdresser. Next!

Role Model #4: DWP

DWP is a secret nickname Beast and I have come up with for one of our favorite players at one of our favorite cardrooms, the Lucky Dirty. (Of course I'm not going to give you any real names of places I play at, for heaven's sake. Find your own fish!)

Anyway, Beast loves DWP because he considers her a top-tier donk -- even outdonkeying Donkette. He's got a point. DWP is the kind of player who calls a huge all-in bet with bottom pair. (Even I know this is probably not good thinking.) Last time we played at another of our favorite card rooms, Shit's Creek, DWP showed up and Beast won all of her chips. He really loved her that day!

I, on the other hand, love DWP mainly for her unconventional fashion sense. In fact, the "P" in DWP stands for Pants -- the most memorable pants I've ever seen in a card room. Ill-fitting, worn out, outdated and dirty, these are the pants of the penniless -- the perfect thing sartorial way to say "I may suck at poker, but I'm really not worth chasing."

I think we have a winner!