I've got a new blog going to track my progress on The Chris Ferguson Challenge. Visit me there!
XOXO
Donkette
ps I'll still stop by here occasionally
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Queen Ten
The scene: Shit's Creek, a very tight table full of good players. (Except for me, of course. I'm obviously the fish at the table. Everyone's being very nice to me, and I've already rebought twice.)
The hand: under the gun, I look down at QT off-suit. Crap.
See, my poker coach, Beast, has a thing about Queen-Ten. In fact, he's rather obsessed with it.
"You'll never see a hand lose bigger than QT," he blathers. "When you make two pair, you get beaten by a straight; when you make top pair, your kicker sucks, blah blah blah blah blah," he drones on. "Don't play QT, Donkette," he admonishes. "Especially out of position!!" he cries, attempting to recapture my attention when it's clear that I'm not listening.
Beast believes he's identified a new poker pitfall. All the books warn about jacks, ace-rag, low pairs; nobody else, Beast believes, has fully caught on to the perils of QT.
The thing is, he could be right. Beast is irritating, but he's also fairly smart.
Back to the hand. I know I should listen to Beast's voice in my head. But it's so annoying! What's so wrong with QT? Who wouldn't want to be a queen AND a ten? Or, better yet, a queen WITH a ten?
Shut the fuck up, Beast! You're not here to see me being stupid, anyway. What if I can limp in? That wouldn't be so bad. Beast always tells the other players at the table, "think of all the dumb things you spend $4 on." It always gets them to call. So I call.
Nobody raises! Hooray! Six players limp in. I thank the poker gods again that Beast isn't here. He always raises.
The flop: A-J-K rainbow. No, I'm not joking! I couldn't believe it at first, either. What to do??
I check. Lucky for me, I think my look of total confusion is mistaken for a miss. The player to my left makes a pot-sized bet of $20. Everyone folds around to me. I call.
The turn: 5 of hearts. Two hearts on the board now. I check. Other player bets $40. I hear Beast in my head, "raise, Donkette, raise!" Do I really have Broadway? I check my cards again. What could other guy have? Maybe he has the same hand. I raise.
"Okay, I'm all in." Yikes! He's all-in for $220 more!
I check my cards again. I can't believe this is happening. I've got just over $100 left I can push in. Am I really going to win this giant pot with QT?
I take a deep breath. "I call."
Cards flipped. River a blank. Other player has two pair -- A5. QT beats Ace-rag!
How do you like QT now, Beast?
The hand: under the gun, I look down at QT off-suit. Crap.
See, my poker coach, Beast, has a thing about Queen-Ten. In fact, he's rather obsessed with it.
"You'll never see a hand lose bigger than QT," he blathers. "When you make two pair, you get beaten by a straight; when you make top pair, your kicker sucks, blah blah blah blah blah," he drones on. "Don't play QT, Donkette," he admonishes. "Especially out of position!!" he cries, attempting to recapture my attention when it's clear that I'm not listening.
Beast believes he's identified a new poker pitfall. All the books warn about jacks, ace-rag, low pairs; nobody else, Beast believes, has fully caught on to the perils of QT.
The thing is, he could be right. Beast is irritating, but he's also fairly smart.
Back to the hand. I know I should listen to Beast's voice in my head. But it's so annoying! What's so wrong with QT? Who wouldn't want to be a queen AND a ten? Or, better yet, a queen WITH a ten?
Shut the fuck up, Beast! You're not here to see me being stupid, anyway. What if I can limp in? That wouldn't be so bad. Beast always tells the other players at the table, "think of all the dumb things you spend $4 on." It always gets them to call. So I call.
Nobody raises! Hooray! Six players limp in. I thank the poker gods again that Beast isn't here. He always raises.
The flop: A-J-K rainbow. No, I'm not joking! I couldn't believe it at first, either. What to do??
I check. Lucky for me, I think my look of total confusion is mistaken for a miss. The player to my left makes a pot-sized bet of $20. Everyone folds around to me. I call.
The turn: 5 of hearts. Two hearts on the board now. I check. Other player bets $40. I hear Beast in my head, "raise, Donkette, raise!" Do I really have Broadway? I check my cards again. What could other guy have? Maybe he has the same hand. I raise.
"Okay, I'm all in." Yikes! He's all-in for $220 more!
I check my cards again. I can't believe this is happening. I've got just over $100 left I can push in. Am I really going to win this giant pot with QT?
I take a deep breath. "I call."
Cards flipped. River a blank. Other player has two pair -- A5. QT beats Ace-rag!
How do you like QT now, Beast?
What Becomes a Donkey Most?
If there's one thing I've learned in my short experience as a poker player, it's that pre-game preparation is critical. By preparation, I don't just mean cashing out my IRA in 100s and scribbling poker odds on my hand. I may be a donkey, but I'm a woman first. My top priority is choosing an appropriate outfit.
My poker coach, Beast, offers little help in this area. While he might grudgingly acknowledge that attire can contribute to a desired table image, Beast's own fashion efforts are minimal. To project a little extra confidence at a big tournament, he might go so far as to wear a clean shirt. Of course, Beast's imposing physique gives him a head start in creating an intimidating table image. Aside from looming ominously over the table, all he really needs to do to scare the shit out of people is to forget to shave.
Naturally, you're probably thinking that it's more than a little dumb of me to expect fashion advice from a man -- let alone a Beast. (Did you notice the name of this blog?) I should obviously be seeking the advice of other women. To this end, maybe some well-known female poker players can provide appropriate inspiration.
Role Model #1: Jennifer Tilly
Tilly places a high value on distraction, which she achieves by exposing 90% of her boobs 100% of the time. This is a time-tested strategy that women of all ages exploit to big advantage in card rooms (and elsewhere). For example, I once saw an 80-something retiree use this approach to completely neutralize a table full of both men and women. (An unexpected plus of this strategy is that enviable boobs are not required -- inappropriately exposed, virtually any breasts will do. Probably even man-boobs would work.)
Although highly effective and obviously inexpensive to implement, I don't think this is the right approach for me. I may be gambling away the rent money in casinos, but I'm still a puritanical New Englander at heart. Furthermore, this is a strategy that can easily backfire. Remember how distracted Tilly was by her own cleavage on Celebrity Poker Showdown? I think that dress cost her the tournament!
Role Model #2: Annie Duke
In bare feet, army fatigues and dingy t-shirts, Annie Duke's image is the polar opposite of the hyper-feminine Tilly's -- and her strategy is much wilier. By dressing as much like her slovenly male opponents as possible, Duke can deploy her superior female intuition and smarts in a fully stealth mode.
While obviously ingenious, this approach isn't really for me. I’m already mistaken for a lesbian more often than I’d like. (If you are a lesbian reading this, please don't be angry with me. I think you're the coolest and wish I could run with your crowd. Unfortunately, the fates have doomed me to the permanent state of disillusionment, confusion and frustration known as heterosexuality. )
Speaking of the puzzle that is the opposite sex, I can't resist noting here that Beast finds Annie Duke super-attractive. An unshowered chick in dirty-looking man-garb is what does the trick for Beast, apparently. What's more, I know from reading various poker forums that he's not the only one. And to think that men say they find women confusing!
Role Model #3: Cyndy Harmon/Jennifer Violette.
Cute/sweet/perky/girl-next-door: these are not words typically used to describe Donkette. Moreover, I am not lucky enough to be married to a hot Italian hairdresser. Next!
Role Model #4: DWP
DWP is a secret nickname Beast and I have come up with for one of our favorite players at one of our favorite cardrooms, the Lucky Dirty. (Of course I'm not going to give you any real names of places I play at, for heaven's sake. Find your own fish!)
Anyway, Beast loves DWP because he considers her a top-tier donk -- even outdonkeying Donkette. He's got a point. DWP is the kind of player who calls a huge all-in bet with bottom pair. (Even I know this is probably not good thinking.) Last time we played at another of our favorite card rooms, Shit's Creek, DWP showed up and Beast won all of her chips. He really loved her that day!
I, on the other hand, love DWP mainly for her unconventional fashion sense. In fact, the "P" in DWP stands for Pants -- the most memorable pants I've ever seen in a card room. Ill-fitting, worn out, outdated and dirty, these are the pants of the penniless -- the perfect thing sartorial way to say "I may suck at poker, but I'm really not worth chasing."
I think we have a winner!
My poker coach, Beast, offers little help in this area. While he might grudgingly acknowledge that attire can contribute to a desired table image, Beast's own fashion efforts are minimal. To project a little extra confidence at a big tournament, he might go so far as to wear a clean shirt. Of course, Beast's imposing physique gives him a head start in creating an intimidating table image. Aside from looming ominously over the table, all he really needs to do to scare the shit out of people is to forget to shave.
Naturally, you're probably thinking that it's more than a little dumb of me to expect fashion advice from a man -- let alone a Beast. (Did you notice the name of this blog?) I should obviously be seeking the advice of other women. To this end, maybe some well-known female poker players can provide appropriate inspiration.
Role Model #1: Jennifer Tilly
Tilly places a high value on distraction, which she achieves by exposing 90% of her boobs 100% of the time. This is a time-tested strategy that women of all ages exploit to big advantage in card rooms (and elsewhere). For example, I once saw an 80-something retiree use this approach to completely neutralize a table full of both men and women. (An unexpected plus of this strategy is that enviable boobs are not required -- inappropriately exposed, virtually any breasts will do. Probably even man-boobs would work.)
Although highly effective and obviously inexpensive to implement, I don't think this is the right approach for me. I may be gambling away the rent money in casinos, but I'm still a puritanical New Englander at heart. Furthermore, this is a strategy that can easily backfire. Remember how distracted Tilly was by her own cleavage on Celebrity Poker Showdown? I think that dress cost her the tournament!
Role Model #2: Annie Duke
In bare feet, army fatigues and dingy t-shirts, Annie Duke's image is the polar opposite of the hyper-feminine Tilly's -- and her strategy is much wilier. By dressing as much like her slovenly male opponents as possible, Duke can deploy her superior female intuition and smarts in a fully stealth mode.
While obviously ingenious, this approach isn't really for me. I’m already mistaken for a lesbian more often than I’d like. (If you are a lesbian reading this, please don't be angry with me. I think you're the coolest and wish I could run with your crowd. Unfortunately, the fates have doomed me to the permanent state of disillusionment, confusion and frustration known as heterosexuality. )
Speaking of the puzzle that is the opposite sex, I can't resist noting here that Beast finds Annie Duke super-attractive. An unshowered chick in dirty-looking man-garb is what does the trick for Beast, apparently. What's more, I know from reading various poker forums that he's not the only one. And to think that men say they find women confusing!
Role Model #3: Cyndy Harmon/Jennifer Violette.
Cute/sweet/perky/girl-next-door: these are not words typically used to describe Donkette. Moreover, I am not lucky enough to be married to a hot Italian hairdresser. Next!
Role Model #4: DWP
DWP is a secret nickname Beast and I have come up with for one of our favorite players at one of our favorite cardrooms, the Lucky Dirty. (Of course I'm not going to give you any real names of places I play at, for heaven's sake. Find your own fish!)
Anyway, Beast loves DWP because he considers her a top-tier donk -- even outdonkeying Donkette. He's got a point. DWP is the kind of player who calls a huge all-in bet with bottom pair. (Even I know this is probably not good thinking.) Last time we played at another of our favorite card rooms, Shit's Creek, DWP showed up and Beast won all of her chips. He really loved her that day!
I, on the other hand, love DWP mainly for her unconventional fashion sense. In fact, the "P" in DWP stands for Pants -- the most memorable pants I've ever seen in a card room. Ill-fitting, worn out, outdated and dirty, these are the pants of the penniless -- the perfect thing sartorial way to say "I may suck at poker, but I'm really not worth chasing."
I think we have a winner!
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